Oh you guys! Honestly, we don’t need labor inducing tecniques. I get acupuncture needles all over my body, have been inserting Evening Primrose Oil for weeks, love awkward pregnant intimacy with my husband (even if I don’t want to talk about it on our blog), have had cervical sweeps, walk all the time, spend lots of time meditating, eat pineapple sprinkled with cayenne (ok mostly because that’s delicious!) and on and on and on and on and on and on. And then on. And on. Really. Truly. Madly. Deeply.
We know. We hear you! We read the books you recommended. We talked to our midwives. I get calls, texts, emails, facebook wall messages, gchats, facebook chats, and even pretty snail mail cards from everyone in our community. We love you all for that, but are feeling a little overwhelmed. And, honestly, we understand that none of it really works if the baby’s not ready.
I am trying to relax and not feel exhausted by pregnancy. I am madly looking forward to the batch of babymoon hormones I will get when our little crane decides that it’s high time he arrives. In the meantime, my best friend is going to arrive via plane tomorrow! We hadn’t been intending to have her here at the birth… but that could be awesome if it happens. Whatever comes with our imminent futures will be awesome as long as everyone remains in good health and high spirits.
Ok, it’s true. The end of pregnancy gets weird. I once read a tweet from a recently pregnant girl that said something along the lines of, “It’s like waiting for a houseguest who hasn’t told you exactly when he was coming, who will stay for 18 years.” That’s true. On top of that, there are all of these amazing hormones that a lady has to deal with. Alternately, they have me spaced out, bone tired, become a weeping madonna, or they cause me to buzz about like a squirrel in November making last minute preparations for hibernation. I’ve had me some manic episodes, but never combined in quite this way. Usually, the buzzy squirrel (by far my favorite hormone-induced personality manifestation) comes after 10pm, and often stays until 2am, after which point I find myself meditating my way to sleep, which is great hypno-breathing practice. Without a great effort towards breath meditation, there is no way I would even sleep after 2am. We no longer sleep before 2am in this house! We also no longer get out of bed before 11. It’s just not possible. This baby dictates these hours from within.
World, did you know that you can walk around with your cervix 3cms dilated, while breathing through non-progressive (and not painful) 30 second contractions that come every 2.5 minutes, for a whole day, without being in labor? I did not! My uterus has been doing lots of work without really bothering me too much. Hopefully this means that when showtime comes along, I will need to work a little less. I don’t really know. The whole birthing process is still such a great mystery to me, even after reading all 50 of the books on our shelves and having a somewhat solid base understanding of the science that goes on behind the madness.
I am on my way to get some acupuncture at my midwifery office. We are hoping to nudge this little crane down a bit. He doesn’t seem to understand yet that, while it’s great that he’s comfortable, a bit more pressure on my cervix will bring him to his second home- The Outside World- where we spend a lot of time laughing, dancing, and cuddling. Milton keeps telling my belly, “You can come out now. There are warm blankets here!”
This video touched me to tears this morning. I found it on the Offbeat Mama blog, along with Offbeat Mama Ariel’s story.
We got only a small taste of infertility when trying to make our little crane. Making this baby led me down the road to a heart-breaking miscarriage and 9 months of treating my body and our sex life like my own personal science experiment. Ultimately, we were very lucky. We did get our little crane to plant himself naturally. But the what ifs that I got a taste of during that year of trying were quite a life lesson.
Let’s hear it for all of those women out there re-defining motherhood, shall we? Let’s hear it for modern science, infertility research, and a healthy dose of awareness. Let’s hear it for all of you folk out there who are NOT pressuring lady friends by constantly asking if they are pregnant. You never know if that woman is letting the What If’s plague her. You never know how many different mothers rest in the hearts of different women. We don’t all have to give birth to realize that goddess within.
I had the hardest time sleeping last night because of a relentless windstorm… and a bit of a storm in my mind that I’ll keep to myself as far as this blog is concerned.
I woke up today at noon, after a few hours of rest, and am still exhausted. I’m so low energy today that I’m boring myself. Finally just drug myself to the mirror to put on some lipstick a minute ago, and am looking forward to a walk with my husband, and then a movie with friends.
I just thought to myself, “If I’m really right about having this baby right around my due date, I’m going to be a full on mom by this time next week, for certain.”
Reposted in part from a friend in New York due to give birth at home next week:
Basically, in new york state midwives need to have a written practice agreement (WPA) with a institution or a physician. most of the homebirth midwives here had a practice agreement with st. vincent’s, which was essentially the best/most progressive hospital to birth in in new york city. unfortunately it was in a lot of debt and earlier this month it was decided that it would shut down. so as of friday all the homebirth midwives are without a WPA. which means all the homebirth midwives are kind of screwed and have been scrambling to figure out what to do. apparently there is legislation in the senate already to remove the WPA requirement and the only real thing to be done in the meantime is to have a “health emergency” be declared by the governor so that the midwives can continue practicing until either the legislation goes through or they find someone to sign a WPA. of course, the department of health is saying this is not an emergency because all we homebirthing women can and should just give birth in hospitals anyway.
This is really horrible up news, people. Pregnant women in NY will be denied a right to choose their births if something isn’t done very quickly. Hundreds of women are right now planning home births in New York, and have worked for months to provide their families with the comfort and medical assistance they need. Also, there will be several midwives completely out of work for an undisclosed amount of time, forced to send their patients to OB (surgeon!) strangers for labor and delivery!
Please call Wendy Saunders, Executive Deputy Commissioner for the NY State Department of Health, appointed by Governor Paterson. The goal is to flood them with calls tomorrow. the governor’s office number is 518-474-8390. Leave a message with her staff explaining that with the closing of Saint Vincent Hospital in NYC, there are hundreds of families now stranded and it is your understanding that the governor is the only one with the authority to declare a Health Emergency and to issue an Emergency Executive Order waiving the provision of the law that requires midwives to have a written practice agreement.
Please pass this message on to anyone from NY state that you know and encourage them to call!!!
I’ve finished working! Which of course brought about a round of emotions last night at dinner. I can’t recall the last time I straight up didn’t work for 4+ months. I must have been about 10 years old. As soon as I finished my last client yesterday, I felt a wave of “What in the heck am I supposed to do now?”
Of course, I have a long list of things I need to get done before the baby comes. After the baby comes, that list dissolves into all the things that are completely imminent! Breast feeding. Burping. Swaddling. Rocking. Catching whatever sleep I can. Rinsing and repeating until something changes in the overall baby scheme and I have to reformulate my parenting style completely. Intellectually, I am aware of all of this. I’ve read about 100 books and talked to at least 100 moms. I’ve got all the stories, all the supplies, and all the information. Of course, I have no real knowledge of what having a newborn will actually BE like, because I have never had a newborn. I’m looking forward to experiencing something altogether new, but am of course a little apprehensive about being the best possible parent I can be.
My mother suggested recently in a facebook comment that it’s ok to be scared. I immediately felt defensive! Defensive is my go-to emotion whenever anyone suggests that I am, in any way, vulnerable. Goodness forbid I should appear to be vulnerable! Luckily, I am able to afford being self-aware, and was thus able to step back from my defensive stance and investigate. Am I scared? I don’t really think I am. I don’t think that’s why I’m crying here and there, all overwhelmed with emotion. Frankly, I think I’m crying here and there because my hormones are peaking with impending babyhood…. but that’s not to say that the emotions that are coupled with the hormones are anything but totally viable. I am emotional because my time alone with my husband as my only immediate family (side note: my parents and siblings are technically immediate… but live 3k miles away. This is less… immediate. Obviously). I am emotional because I have no idea what the life ahead of us will be like. On a lesser scale, I am emotional because I missed the Wedding Present perform Bizzaro at The Crocodile the other night (alas, I am too pregnant for shows right now) and because I can no longer just skip out into the city to catch shows or grab drinks at bars. I am emotional because I might never have visible abs again. Everything is changing! When you can afford to be self-aware, you can’t help but well-up a little with emotion.
I’ve said it before, many times. Pregnancy is a long time. A whole lot happens in 40 weeks! There is a whole process that we have gone through as a family to prepare us for the next step. I’m not feeling emotional because I haven’t prepared myself for life on baby island. I’m 34 years old and filled with all the love and capability that is necessary. Arguably, I am a fantastic candidate for a mothering job. I’ve worked out all my kinks, gotten jollies in my career, let the ants in my pants make me break dance, lived in several desirable cities, and generally ensured that I’m not going to freak out and wonder if there was something I didn’t DO before building a house on baby island. I’ve got a solid loving relationship with a partner who is a fantastic candidate for a fathering job. I’m also seasoned enough to know that I’ll DO plenty more as my child grows and my family progresses. I’m ready. But until the time comes and the whole transformation occurs- I am over here feeling grateful, reflective, and emotional.
1) I just don’t know how to make the reflux stop this week! I couldn’t possibly eat dinner before 9 on nights when I work, and when I go to bed at midnight, all hell breaks loose. Last night was just terrible! I kept trying to sleep my way through through the reflux, which would result in hilarious dreams about people trying to buy me a spittoon for my pregnancy, but arguing about what china pattern should be on the spittoon… and here I am yelling, JUST GIVE ME THE SPITOON! I NEED IT NOW! I ended up spending time in the bathroom, convinced I was going to toss cookies all over the place, still lucidly dreaming, and in that lucid dream, convinced I was going into labor.
I’ve never had food poisoning, rarely had heartburn, and acid reflux was only a problem when I occasionally went so BOLD on my spicy foods that even the heartiest belly would object. Granted, I’m lactose intolerant, soy sensitive, and can’t really digest much red meat… but it’s not like I’m shoving these things into my system. I can’t wait for this little man to drop down a little and give my stomach some room to digest.
2) In other news, I started taking these herbs last week. My midwife said, “I’m not going to say they work, I’m not going to say they don’t work. Some people like them and swear by them. You can try them if you want.” I did some research online, found some reviews, and the reviews basically echoed everything the midwife said. I decided to order them because I am petrified of carrying 2 weeks or more past my due date.
As directed on the package of pills, I upped my dosage of the herbs on Saturday. I am having LOTS and LOTS of contractions. I don’t mind them at all! They usually don’t bother me a whole lot. In fact, they make me happy. I feel as if my body is practicing for this labor. When my belly contracts, I instantly leap into breathing and meditation exercises, which help so much. Even Milton is getting so used to the contractions that he rolls over in his sleep and starts to practice touch relaxation exercises with me. If he can do it in his sleep, people, imagine what a magical birth partner he’s going to be when the real deal comes along!
Anyhow, I left the pills at work yesterday and haven’t taken any in about 20 hours. Thus, the contractions have slowed down quite a bit. I’m still not sold on these supplements being a great thing or a not so great thing, all told. I don’t want to have this baby early (no Aries men in my house, please- no offense meant to Aries men), don’t want to have this baby late, just want to have this baby on or around his due date. It’s just that my mother carried so so late with both of her children… and my torso is so roomy… I can totally imagine kiddo hanging out, taking his sweet time, and going so far overdue that it’s too late for my highly anticipated home birth. What to do?
3) We hired a lovely cleaning woman!!!!!!!!! This is an idea I have been flirting with ever since I started working a whole lot after moving to Seattle, but I kept putting it off and putting it off because, frankly, I didn’t want to spend money on something I figured I could do myself. The fact is, yucky floors make me feel so sensitive, and I’m always convinced that no one sees the grime in the bathroom as well as I do. Here I was, all sensitive, starting to resent the grime. The more pregnant I got, the more I couldn’t reach grime without grunting, resenting, and working myself all up into a blood pressured tizzy. Who has energy enough for grunting, resenting and pregnancy? Gross. Finally, we called a cleaning woman and she did SUCH an amazing job that I nearly cried when I came home from work yesterday. So so worth it! I imagine that this will be such an amazing help when the baby comes. We don’t have any family here to help us out in Seattle, and will both be so busy figuring out how to take care of our new family member. Thank goodness we can afford the ease of this wonderful woman coming over to take the pressure of cleaning off our backs! It is definitely a luxury that I am now happy to pay for.
Here is a photo of myself earlier this week that is somewhat unpleasant for me to post, but par for the course, I suppose:
I love how Baby Center tells me what I should be afraid about.
Here are the seven deadly fears:
Will I be able to provide for my family?
Will I be able to “perform” during Esther’s labor?
Am I really the baby daddy?
Does this mean that my life is over?
Will Esther and Axelrod be okay?
Will Esther love Axelrod more than me?
Should I be afraid of hospitals in general?
I guess the point of listing all of these fears is to help people who are afraid feel like they’re “normal”. But I can’t help but feel that they also serve to reinforce stereotypes that are about weakness, insecurity, and irrationality and offering them as ways to be. Even if you weren’t necessarily afraid of these things before reading the list, someone might read the list and think, yeah, maybe I SHOULD be worried about the paternity of my baby.
It could be simply because, as I ease into a new role, I’m hyper aware of the pressures that attempt to mold me, inform me of my new role, give subtle clues, social cues, etc to help me along the way. But where are the articles from Baby Center that talk about the strong stereotypes, the new fathers that feel secure in their ability to provide, have no squeamishness of blood and tears, know they’re the father, that life is not over, that everyone will be okay, that there will be more than enough love to go around, and that are either avoiding hospitals or are confident in their abilities? Why does everything have to be about fears?
Even though Baby Center is by far the most popular, and in many ways the most informative, website for expecting new parents, it’s articles like this that make me realize that they sort of suck.
Researching baby gear was by far one of the more frustrating experiences of pregnancy preparation. There is so much information out there, so many reviews to read, and so many people who believe they’ve got it just right who want to offer you every bit of advice they have. I didn’t know where to start when it came to diapering, sleeping, strolling, or feeding.
Luckily, pregnancy is long. I’ve dedicated myself to hours of baby homework in a way that I wish I had once poured myself into academic study. Probably like a lot of parents-to-be, we have become a wealth of information spouting, carefully planned and hopefully prepared moms and pops. In our minds during a good moment, anyhow…
One of my biggest concerns was the early sleeping arrangements. We believe in co-sleeping to an extent, but I definitely wanted the baby to have a space of his own in which to snooze. I wanted something that would easily rock him to sleep, and something that would leave me to my own bed when I needed a break. I just can’t imagine myself doing the full-on attachment parenting thing, (but that’s another post). Finding a bassinet was easy if I could have my pick of anything off of any design site. Unfortunately, the bassinets that I found myself drawn to were on often out dated European design blogs entries. Beautiful, located thousands of miles away, and massively expensive if they were even in production to begin with. There was very little for me to fall in love with state side, and certainly nothing in the plastic filled baby superstores where 75% of Americans happen to register for baby goods.
As we don’t really know what kind of baby this Axelrod will be, we don’t want to buy a crib just yet. We want to let him tell us what he needs as time passes, and possibly figure out how to use the Montessori Sleep Method in our loft. Also, I have to admit that I’m not a huge crib fan. This could be a result of our living in a very open space- I don’t want to see bars anywhere in the loft! It’ll break up the space and, hey, I gotta have the right energy flow. I’m sure that most parents out there will poo-poo my musing about design, but I’m also pretty sure that most parents out there don’t live in a loft that they’d ultimately like to sell to another design oriented downtown individual.
Eventually, while reading one of my very favorite pregnancy/baby blogs, I came across a most spectacular idea! And… I’ll admit! I ran with that idea, obsessed. The folks over at Dear Baby got their gorgeous baby girl a sweet vintage pram. I saw the post about it and just fell in love. I immediately (and obsessively) started combing antique stores, craigslist, and ebay for a pram of our own.
This wasn’t an easy feat! A brand new pram costs thousands of dollars. A well-kept vintage pram could cost you a good grand. Out here on the west coast, we don’t see to many vintage prams. They are only manufactured in Europe, and rarely seem to make it to the east coast of the states, much less all the way across the Rockies and the Cascades. And, of course, we don’t need a pram. They’re big! You can only use them for basinet purposes for maybe 8 months, and that’s if your baby is not so bouncy! They’re no where to be found for a cost-conscious price! I didn’t care. We have an open space with a sweet mixture of modern (from my husband) and antique (from me) fixins, and I could totally see the right pram fitting into the shape of things very nicely.
I bid on a pram in Florida and was outbid. I bid on it again. I got caught up in a bidding war! My husband raised his eyebrows when I told him how the war had gotten to $350 and the sellers reserve had STILL not been met (thanks for being patient with that, Milton) I lost the war and was heart-broken. I found other prams on ebay that were too kitschy for our aesthetic. I found prams that didn’t match our colors. I found a pram that my husband declared was “too dirty 70s”, prams that were too victorian, prams that were ugly. I thought I’d never find the perfect one at the right price in time…
Until! Suddenly one day I changed my usual ebay search words and came up with a sweet, very well kept, pram that was exactly like the one I had lost in my exorbitant bidding war! This pram was located about 20 minutes from my hometown, right down the street from family! The price? Well. It still wasn’t cheap, but it wasn’t ridiculous. I won the pram for $180 (which was the starting bid) and sent my awesome mom to pick it up! Unfortunately, the East Coast had been so pummeled with snow that the pram took weeks and weeks to procure. Then, my parents had the heady duty of figuring out how to ship this huge crazy beast all the way to Seattle. My dad built 2 boxes and they lovingly wrapped the whole shebang in plastic bubbles, which we received yesterday! Yay!!!
For weeks now, clients, strangers, and friends have nodded at my belly and asked, “Are you ready?” My response has always be a quick and dismissive, “Heck no.”
We haven’t been ready anywhere but in our “YAY, BABY!” minds. As far as the random sundries required for baby care, this place has been a shambles of list making, organization struggles, and baffled wondering. I work during each of my three days off a week to try and make this house a little bit more ready for hunkering down and figuring out how to care for a newborn. Sometimes, I freak out. ”We have to figure out how to care for a newborn! Then a baby! Then a toddler! Holy cow! What school district is our building in? What are we going to do with a teenager?!” My husband is somehow genetically programmed to not freak out. He mostly laughs at me, which sometimes makes me freak out more. Eventually, we work together for an hour or two and I back off until the next day, when the cycle starts all over again.
Truth is this: after 34 weeks of labor prep, I feel almost totally ready to take on the struggle of bringing a newborn into this world. It’s what to do after he gets here that I check and double check our list and wonder what I’m forgetting. Luckily, a huge and beautiful turning point in my uncertainty came over the weekend when a bunch of our wonderful friends got together to throw us a spectacular shower on Sunday afternoon! It really helped to make us feel strong with community and WAY more prepared for this baby. We now have almost everything we need to help our house feel more prepared. Even Sopor, our precious little pooka, feels more comfortable. In fact, she’s dozing on the new changing table pad as I type (not so sure of how I’m going to dictate to her that not every cozy space is a cat’s space. History says: probably not possible!).
I just bought a bunch of storage baskets for the cabinets I bought for family’s living room/baby center cabinets. Into these will go all the wonderful clothes, blankets (home made, even!), fluffy rattles, nipple creams (yikes), baby carriers, and onesies decorated at our shower’s onesie decorating station! I am so excited to finally get all this random stuff organized so that I can take a photo of it to show everyone just how we’re going to fit this lil’ family of three into a studio loft.
While I wash, fold, and organize all of these teeny tiny bits of baby love this afternoon, I’m baking my deliciously “healthy” banana/coconut/chocolate chip protein bread for our 5th home birthing class tonight. I leave you with a photo of a bear that will have to wait to be named until our son can speak to name him himself! This panda guy was made by our friend April, and is already a prized family possession. Here he is with April at our shower, being snuggled for a last time by the great lady who put all of his bits and pieces together:
Best bear, ever!
UPDATE: Our site was down for a while while my husband and our server admins fixed some nasty hacker problems. In the meantime after writing the above entry, I started to organize, and of course created a big mess. I keep telling myself that mess comes before order, but really really wish that cycle would break down and sit in order for just a little while, here and there. Y’know?
